The Unexpected Single Life (at 40)

I remember, while my marriage was in crisis, being out and saying to my husband, "Please don't make me single and have to deal with guys like that." I was pointing to a greasy, slick yuppy type that made me want to, well, never be single!

My single life was unexpected. I met my husband at the age of 20 and knew ,quickly, I wanted to marry him. We got married 5 years later and divorced 13 years after that. 18 years with the same man (happily).

I never thought I'd be single again. EVER. And here I am. And boy, it is an unwelcome, wild adventure that I am working very hard to embrace. It's essential that I do, because it is my life and I don't want to spend anymore time wishing it was different. 

At first I hated being single. HATED! For so many reasons, big and small,  it just sucked to me. It took encouraging from good friends to "get back out there". I never went through the phase of " Love is cruel, I'll never love again". If you know me, you know that I believe in love more than anything else! No, there was just not one atom in my body that wanted to date. I felt ugly and numb and well, unworthy and I wanted no attention from men. Looking back I realized I didn't want attention for many reasons, the biggest one being that I feared any man would most likely be grossed out by me. Isn't that just nuts? I never felt that before. I always felt fairly confident in myself as human, as a woman. I may not be the most attractive person in the room, but I knew I was fun and could carry a conversation, but not then. I'd never been single as an adult. This was new and I didn't ask for it and I had no confidence.  It was fear- all fear, but I didn't know it at the time.

Then, 8 months after my life fell apart, I very reluctantly went on a date .I threw up 30 minutes before meeting him. Not as much out of nerves as that this made my failed marriage more real. That going on a date meant that I was single. I was no longer married. I was going on a date instead of going home to my family. Totally surreal.

The date was with a man I nicknamed "PTA" because he was so involved in his kids' lives. And for being in the "I'm devastated my marriage is over and now I'm single and never wanted to be and now I'm going on a date and I don't want to be doing this" phase of life, he was the perfect first experience. It was a lovely date. He took me to a taco place in SF. The conversations were easy. We joked. We related to one another. He was kind and gentlemanly. And when I got home I cried myself to sleep.

That was almost a year and a half ago.

 I still don't love dating or even like it, but I no longer hate it. It's not about wanting someone or even wanting a relationship. I know I'm still not ready for any of that. Only recently have I even entertained letting someone really get to know me. Most of the dates I have been on are first dates only. Lots of nice guys and some real crazy stories (future posts).

What's beautiful is that I am not yearning for it. I am just now getting settled in my independence. I am still having a hard time with shared custody. I am seeing where my kids are with all of it. I am learning SO MUCH about myself including what I will and will not stand for. I am appreciating the right now.

Right now I am willing to go on a date. I think that's HUGE compared to where I've been. One thing that never changes is that I always try very hard to recognize and appreciate EXACTLY where I am right now.

Truly, there is nothing I'd rather do on a  Friday night than be with my family. and I have to accept that I will never have that version of my dream again. It's a shitty one to have to accept, but I must.

New dreams are starting to form. They are very different than my old ones. They are without details and are nondescript and involve just being happy and healthy and here. I don't know what that looks like and that's ok. This is new thinking for me.I can't picture the details of my future, but  it's still damn bright up ahead. And it's still damn bright right now in this very moment.

I have told my friends so many stories and they keep saying I need to write them down. The title of this blog was suggested to me by my friend, Joy, as she wants it as the title of my book:)

Cheers to this crazy adventure called life.  Be prepared to be fully entertained by future posts.

The Unexpected Single Life (at 40) is no fucking joke.

note: I am only writing about my own experiences. Nothing I write is to discount anyone who is single, has been single, or will be single. I am very grateful I had the experience of being married and creating  a family. In fact, it was my biggest dream come true. I feel blessed that I had any of it at all. Truly. I never want to sound ungrateful, because I am not. I'm quite the opposite. Now, seriously, get ready to be entertained. 

photo credit to Google images.