Online Dating- Holy (Insert Curse Word Here)!

I talked a big game when I was married. I encouraged single people my age to get online! I would say, "If I was single at this age I would totally be online. How else are you supposed to meet someone? This is the way to go."

As you read in my FIRST POST, I didn't think I'd be single, so obviously that stuff was easy to say! I am eating my words.

I am currently not online, but I have been and let me tell you....wow. Just wow. I know of many success stories. I know there are lots of good, solid people out there. I know that I have had the experiences I have had for a reason. I am learning so much about myself and what dating is like at this stage of life.

I thought online dating would go something like this:
1. connect online.
2. chat back and forth a bit.
3. meet for something low key.
4. see if there is a connection or not.
5. move forward with or without the person.

I will say that the above situation has happened. The sad part is that is hasn't happened often. I expected 1 or 2 crazy stories, but I have more than that.

My online dating experience has been more something like this:
1. connect online.
2. chat back and forth a bit.
3. exchange numbers.
4. Guy does something gross or sends a crazy picture or says something offensive (all major turn offs)
5. I tell him it looks like we're not a match
6. He reacts in an immature way.
7. I tell my friends and staff table about it.
8. I am a bit baffled at the personalities in the world.
9. I meet up with friends or family instead of having a date and am very happy to do so.
10. Guy contacts me again and acts like nothing happened and asks me out.
11. I decline and repeat step 7.

And sometimes it's just easy and there is no connection and no drama.

Let me start with one of the most extreme experiences I had. And please picture me laughing as I tell this because I laughed when it was actually happening. Part from shock that it was real and part from pure entertainment.

I connected with this guy online.Let's call him "Febreze".  He reached out with a witty and cute message. We chatted a few times and we exchanged numbers. After a few correspondences, I let him know that I was going on a week long family vacation and would be out of touch and that I would contact him when I returned.

He texted once midweek asking how it was going. I saw the message hours later because I was down at the pool. I responded that it was going well and that I would contact him the next week when I got home and settled. I got a text a few days later, "are you home yet?". Again, I didn't see it for hours as I was away from my phone, enjoying vacation.  I repeated my previous message and at this point started to feel annoyed.

I did not rush to text him upon my return. The next week I got a text that said, " I am done chasing one who lacks desire" accompanied by a naked photo of him with only a Febreze bottle covering his parts. This picture was sent to show me what I was missing out on. I wish I could publish it so you could see it, but picture a man's body, who obviously works out and perhaps uses steroids, posing for a picture where he is holding the Febreze in one hand, and giving the thumbs up with the other hand. (This pose meant one of two things. He set up a timer on his phone or someone took it for him. Both, equally bad. Sorry, I digress).

I will not publish the whole text string, but my highlights are included. I normally do not entertain stuff like this and just cut it off, but it was just too good and I was too entertained.

*note- We had never met. He did not know anything about me. Not my last name or place of employment or where I lived.

                                                     

                                                        

                                                       

                                                    

                                                     

He managed to send one more naked photo standing at a side angle, covering up what needs to be covered. These types of photos are my kryptonite. No woman I know wants a photo like that in that type of situation. He wanted me to know all of the reasons I was missing out.

"Febreze" is quite the story. A few weeks later he sent me a winky face text. I asked him if he texted me in error. He said no. He wanted to forgive and forget and take me out for dinner. We had a great dinner together (KIDDING! NO! NEVER! EVER!).

Yes. That is real. And so is this unexpected single life at 40.

More to come.

The Unexpected Single Life (at 40)

I remember, while my marriage was in crisis, being out and saying to my husband, "Please don't make me single and have to deal with guys like that." I was pointing to a greasy, slick yuppy type that made me want to, well, never be single!

My single life was unexpected. I met my husband at the age of 20 and knew ,quickly, I wanted to marry him. We got married 5 years later and divorced 13 years after that. 18 years with the same man (happily).

I never thought I'd be single again. EVER. And here I am. And boy, it is an unwelcome, wild adventure that I am working very hard to embrace. It's essential that I do, because it is my life and I don't want to spend anymore time wishing it was different. 

At first I hated being single. HATED! For so many reasons, big and small,  it just sucked to me. It took encouraging from good friends to "get back out there". I never went through the phase of " Love is cruel, I'll never love again". If you know me, you know that I believe in love more than anything else! No, there was just not one atom in my body that wanted to date. I felt ugly and numb and well, unworthy and I wanted no attention from men. Looking back I realized I didn't want attention for many reasons, the biggest one being that I feared any man would most likely be grossed out by me. Isn't that just nuts? I never felt that before. I always felt fairly confident in myself as human, as a woman. I may not be the most attractive person in the room, but I knew I was fun and could carry a conversation, but not then. I'd never been single as an adult. This was new and I didn't ask for it and I had no confidence.  It was fear- all fear, but I didn't know it at the time.

Then, 8 months after my life fell apart, I very reluctantly went on a date .I threw up 30 minutes before meeting him. Not as much out of nerves as that this made my failed marriage more real. That going on a date meant that I was single. I was no longer married. I was going on a date instead of going home to my family. Totally surreal.

The date was with a man I nicknamed "PTA" because he was so involved in his kids' lives. And for being in the "I'm devastated my marriage is over and now I'm single and never wanted to be and now I'm going on a date and I don't want to be doing this" phase of life, he was the perfect first experience. It was a lovely date. He took me to a taco place in SF. The conversations were easy. We joked. We related to one another. He was kind and gentlemanly. And when I got home I cried myself to sleep.

That was almost a year and a half ago.

 I still don't love dating or even like it, but I no longer hate it. It's not about wanting someone or even wanting a relationship. I know I'm still not ready for any of that. Only recently have I even entertained letting someone really get to know me. Most of the dates I have been on are first dates only. Lots of nice guys and some real crazy stories (future posts).

What's beautiful is that I am not yearning for it. I am just now getting settled in my independence. I am still having a hard time with shared custody. I am seeing where my kids are with all of it. I am learning SO MUCH about myself including what I will and will not stand for. I am appreciating the right now.

Right now I am willing to go on a date. I think that's HUGE compared to where I've been. One thing that never changes is that I always try very hard to recognize and appreciate EXACTLY where I am right now.

Truly, there is nothing I'd rather do on a  Friday night than be with my family. and I have to accept that I will never have that version of my dream again. It's a shitty one to have to accept, but I must.

New dreams are starting to form. They are very different than my old ones. They are without details and are nondescript and involve just being happy and healthy and here. I don't know what that looks like and that's ok. This is new thinking for me.I can't picture the details of my future, but  it's still damn bright up ahead. And it's still damn bright right now in this very moment.

I have told my friends so many stories and they keep saying I need to write them down. The title of this blog was suggested to me by my friend, Joy, as she wants it as the title of my book:)

Cheers to this crazy adventure called life.  Be prepared to be fully entertained by future posts.

The Unexpected Single Life (at 40) is no fucking joke.

note: I am only writing about my own experiences. Nothing I write is to discount anyone who is single, has been single, or will be single. I am very grateful I had the experience of being married and creating  a family. In fact, it was my biggest dream come true. I feel blessed that I had any of it at all. Truly. I never want to sound ungrateful, because I am not. I'm quite the opposite. Now, seriously, get ready to be entertained. 

photo credit to Google images.