Well, my arm is getting a bit shaky from consistently needing to squeeze those lemons life gives us sometimes. At the same time, that means my arm is getting stronger (see what I did there?).
Within a year and a half I lost the two most important men in my life. Both crushing and devastating in different ways. In the last two and a half years I've had to turn life's lemons into lemonade (more like lemon drop martinis). Sometimes I just want a break. I want to dump the sack of lemons in the trash and never have to deal with them. I want things to be fair and just and right. Many things are and many things are not.
For a period of time I compared this feeling to a bloody boxer who would get hit hard, fall, find the strength to rise and lift his/her arms to keep fighting, only to get pummeled all over again. I felt beat up, swollen and bloodied. Most times I feel strong enough to take the hits and strong enough to get right back up Other times I find myself simply fatigued and wanting a break. But that's not how it works. These are not life events to get over. These are life events to learn how to live with.
Not only does the mourning involve the loss of my dad and my marriage/family unit, it involves current losses and new ways of life as well. I have lost half of the time with my children. We all know how fast it all goes and now I have been given half of the time in this precious phase of life. I thought the pit in my stomach that arrives every time they depart would go away. It doesn't and I am learning how to deal with those sourest of lemons.
Let me clarify by use of the term,"sourest of lemons". These are MY hardest aspects of life. My lemons are candy compared to others. My challenges are a cake walk to those who have far worse traumatic experiences. I never ignore that fact and I don't want to compare my trauma to others'.
I have always believed in the idea that you are the only one in control of your life. Really, it's that you are the only one in control of your reactions to life. You are the only one in control of your attitude about life. Life is going to do its thing. I never dreamed this would be my life- this unexpected single life at 40. It is more beautiful and profound and challenging than I imagined. The last couple of years have been filled with lemons, but there have been way more lemon drop martinis (both literally and figuratively).
I would've loved to have clicked my heels for another 38 years, but that's just not how it works. And although there have been lots of lemons in recent years, the lemon drops have never been sweeter.
Sometimes it's hard to find the bright side in our lives because the pain is just too huge. But always, ALWAYS, the pain is overcome by love and light. The sweetness is always easy to find because it is always there. It far outweighs the sour. Even when I want to scream and cry and break things, I allow myself to taste the sour and pucker and hate it for what it is. Then I always end up belly up to the bar of life, or an actual bar, toasting all that is beautiful and tasty.
As I was writing this I got a text from a friend with these wise words...to truly experience happiness, one must learn to not be the victim of circumstance, but rather the receptor of opportunity.
I remain grateful in the core of me.
I remain grateful for, and sometimes hungover from, life's lemon drop martinis.
Bartender, get me another!
Onward. Forward. Upward.
*photo credit- google images
