A Beautiful, Terrible Thing

I can't believe it's been over a year since I've written here. I saw my last post about dating nightmares and chuckled to myself. Man, who knew these would be my tales?

I find myself writing here after I have realized (again) that when I learn others' journeys in any way, it makes me feel connected. It makes me feel like I'm not alone. It helps with my ongoing healing. So, perhaps this will resonate with even one person. I have not tapped into my grief for awhile. I enjoy my daily life very much. I sleep well. I am happy...and I am continuing to heal.

I have 3 recent examples of healing through people I do not know:
1. Watching a Ted Talk,
2. Reading  A Beautiful, Terrible Thing by Jen Waite,
3. Seeing an interview of Pink on Ellen.

In Pink's interview she shared that her biggest challenge is injustice. She doesn't do well with it and hasn't learned where to place it when it happens. This is me. BIG TIME. Several parts of my story are unjust. I know it's part of life but it's just so plainly wrong and hard. I felt her words and know it's part of my challenge. My feelings come around to that in others' stories too.

What's been eye opening is that before all of this, I thought grief was reserved for death. I did not consider that grief can happen from all sorts of life experiences. As one of my friends said, I am a champion of not allowing myself to accept the pain in my story. I deem other painful life circumstances as much greater than mine. Almost the idea that I have no right to share about this because I recognize that worse things can and do happen. It has resulted in me being hard on myself for not just always staying happy and grateful for what is my life. But the truth is I am happy. I am grateful. And those feelings can coexist with grief. It's not either or, it's both and all. WOW!

I didn't associate what I was experiencing as grief and then when I did, I thought I would go through the stages and be done with it. I also thought that grief only involved things in the past. So so wrong. Because the truth is that this story is not just in the past, it is still happening and part of my life and interactions. Even if it was still all behind me, grief doesn't work that way. The differences between how it was then and how it is now with the person who was once my favorite human on the planet, is blaring. It's confusing in a way that will never have answers. The way it went down and the way it is now is, simply stated, sad.

In the Ted Talk, grief was described in a way that made more sense than I have ever heard. She shared that 
grief is not something you move on from, it is something you move forward with.
This explanation allows me to still be in touch with the painful parts of my story instead of beating myself up for not being totally "over it." It allows me to be kinder to myself and not wonder what the hell is wrong with me when things still hit me or make me sad or angry.

When I happened upon this talk while scrolling my FB feed, I was also reading the book, A Beautiful, Terrible Thing by Jen Waite. It is a memoir of marriage and betrayal and the fact that her name is Jen is no coincidence. There were many times in the book when her name was said and it was as if the words were mine. Since my own experience, I have read or learned of personal stories around me on the same matter. It amazes me how every story is exactly the same, just with different names and minor details. I thought my story was unique. It is not. And the whole thing fascinates me.

This book was new to me in one way- a certain reaction I had that I had never had before. At one point of her story I closed my book and turned off my light and just cried. I wanted to reach through the pages and hug her while she cried on her bedroom floor. I wanted to tell her that it would get better.   That she will sleep again. That the daily/nightly vomiting will end. That she will smile and laugh again. That she will be happy again. She knows that now, but she didn't know it then. I felt her pain.

For the first time, I cried for the Jen I was at that time.I cried for that version of who I was who was so traumatized, incredibly scared and mostly confused. That version couldn't comprehend what had happened behind her back and what was happening in real time in reaction to that. She was shocked by the betrayal but even more shocked by the behaviors and actions that followed.

I cried for her (me) then. Not for me now.

Like Jen Waite says, it's a beautiful, terrible thing. The most beautiful is the growth and discovery of the depths of myself, opening and learning in ways I never would have. The most terrible has been the loss of the time with my kids. It's something I would never choose and there is nothing I can do to change it. Nothing can replace it. It's forever lost and I have resentment that it was taken away.

I trust my journey. I just don't always like it. I am continuing to learn to show myself grace when I feel things I think I shouldn't (or don't want to) feel. My friends and family continue to show me grace when I reach out in need of support or just needing to get something off my chest.

 It's been 4 years and when I hear that, I feel like I should be in a different place. But then I realize that I am holding myself to a standard of what I perceived this process would be like and I AM in a different place. Always. And when I look back on the 4 years I see how incredibly far I've come. This post sounds like I think about it every day. I don't. I am a happy person AND this is part of me.

Every time I connect with another's similar story, it validates my own. My definition of a strong woman has changed from someone who doesn't let things bother her, who doesn't allow herself to feel the pain of her story to one who allows the feelings in, accepts them for what they are, and moves forward with them.

It's a beautiful thing (with a sprinkle of terrible). Such is this Unexpected Single Life.

Onward. Upward. Forward.

Next Chapter in My Dating Chronicles

My friends tease me that I will meet a guy and within days, it's nothing.

It's been many months since I last wrote of my Febreeze dating experience. I was so shocked by the private messages I got about that post by women who related. How do so many people have so many stories? 

The truth is, I dated last spring, took all of the summer for myself and my kids and our adventures, then promised to put myself out there again at the start of the school year and it's been since October since my last date. One of the common things I hear through my single friends is that it goes in waves. In the 2 and 1/2 years I have been single, no dating experience has pulled me in to emotionally invest any more than the initial stages of dating. No one has come along and been a lasting connection for me. I truly believe it's because I am not yet ready for anything serious. I have had so much soul searching and adjusting of my own life and how I want to live it and I am enjoying this stage of my life for the first time.

However, the entertainment factor of dating does not go unnoticed for me. I am going to share a version of some of the highlights of my dates within the last year. Perhaps 2018 I will actually connect with someone. Perhaps not. The greatest part is that at one point I felt panicked about this aspect of my life and it was right when my marriage ended. I couldn't imagine life without my husband. I feared being a single woman. That fear is gone and I haven't felt concerned since then. I am soaking in all that I can in this part of my life. And boy, am I laughing a lot along the way.

Here we go!

Date A 
Within 12 seconds of our greeting, he paid me a compliment and I paid him one back. He responded by winking and putting his pointer finger and his pinky to his tongue, then to his eyebrows like he was slicking his eyebrows. Can you see the motion? It's a joke move that he did seriously.
At dinner he proceeded to tell me he is a hepatitis C survivor, that he wants to settle down, and what he's looking for in a woman. Without me asking or even getting CLOSE to the subject, he shared his physical desires with a woman. As he was talking I literally motioned for the server to refill my cocktail.
*one date and done*

Date B:
This guy seemed to have it all together and I was very attracted to him. Our first date was so fun! A casual dinner followed by karaoke. He asked me out for a 2nd date and I accepted with ease. It was another fun date- just met for drinks. As he walked me to my car he asked if he could come home with me. In a kind way (and using my sense of humor) I let him know that would not be happening. He was fine and sweet as we said goodnight after some appropriate 2nd date flirting, etc.

No more than 5 minutes later, my phone BLEW UP that he was in disbelief that I wouldn't give him a "birthday present" by taking him home.That we are grown adults and why wouldn't we be intimate on the second date, ESPECIALLY when I knew his birthday was the next week and we wouldn't be seeing each other that week. He went on to text that we are not teenagers who need to wait so many dates or "so many bases". Basically, I owed him. It was unreal.

I responded to the text string with, " Looks like we are not a match. Good luck!"- which has become my go to response. He didn't appreciate that.
*two dates and done*

Date C
Talked about his estranged wife the WHOLE time. Wanted to tell me the whole story with every single detail.I didn't hear about him and he didn't ask about me.
* one date and done*

Date D
Shared that he was ordered to take anger management courses and is just finishing up.Need I say more?
* one date and done*

Date E
Met at Pleasure Point in Santa Cruz. Walked a bit and sat on a bench and chatted. Well, he droned on and I was in survivor mode to keep the conversation alive. He was cute, EXTREMELY wealthy (at one point he had to grab a sweatshirt and walked two houses up from the coast to his astounding beach home), and he was boring, boring, boring.

He invited me to his house to make me dinner for our second date. My friends tried to convince me to give him one more chance, but I just couldn't do it. Biyee!
* one date and done*

Date F
 Had a breathalyzer he had to blow into to start his car. DUIs much?
*one date and done*

Date G 
Met for drinks in the evening. Successful, great job, funny and easygoing, very easy on the eyes. Conversation went like this:
Joke, laugh, chat- he's great to the bartenders and kind to the people around us. He is attentive and complimentary and just all around fun.
after one drink...
Him: Hey, want to do a shot?
Me: Sure
Him: What do you want?
Me: Your call. I'm in
He orders Jaeger (yes, Jaeger), we take the shot
Me: Whoa! When was the last time I took a shot of Jaeger? College?
Him: I don't know about you but the last time I did was at 2:30 today.
Me; (chest burning from the damn booze) Haha! Wait, really?
Him: Yep!
Me: What was the occasion?
Him: Time for my daily visit to my favorite bar.
Me: Um, are you an alcoholic?
Him: Yep!
He proceeded to tell me that his drinking problem was why his marriage broke up- well, that and the 10 or so women he cheated with.
Yeah, I sobered up fast and told him it was nice to meet him.
*one date and done*

Date H 
This date was one of the best (along with my first date ever, post marriage). It was at the Fox theater in Redwood City to see a Nasa astronaut speak about his year in space while shooting photos for National Geographic .It was fascinating! He wanted it to be a surprise but he told me ahead of time because his friends said he would blow it by taking me to something like that. Little did he know that it was RIGHT up my geeky alley. It was a great date- the perfect mix of goofiness and chivalry. A great guy but our differences were simply too large.It ended right when it should've with no hurt feelings.
* 7ish dates and done*

You're welcome for this edition of  "The Unexpected Single Life (at 40)". Never a dull moment and all pure entertainment!

Please note that with some of these stories, my loved ones asked if  I was safe. Before each date I send my friend his first and last name, picture, and where we are meeting. I text when I get home  to let her know all is good. I haven't dated in months, but I am always as smart as I can be:)

Turning Lemons Into a Lemondrop Martini, With a Twist

                 

For 38 years I clicked my heels through life.My life was pretty darn charmed. I had normal life drama with friends and family, but nothing that blew me out of the water. My brother's addiction was probably the biggest challenge I'd ever faced. So, always seeing the positive has come rather easy to me. Those who have known me, know that this is a big part of my character. Make the best of everything!

Well, my arm is getting a bit shaky from consistently needing to squeeze those lemons life gives us sometimes. At the same time, that means my arm is getting stronger (see what I did there?).

Within a year and a half I lost the two most important men in my life. Both crushing and devastating in different ways. In the last two and a half years I've had to turn life's lemons into lemonade (more like lemon drop martinis). Sometimes I just want a break. I want to dump the sack of lemons in the trash and never have to deal with them. I want things to be fair and just and right. Many things are and many things are not.

For a period of time I compared this feeling to a bloody boxer who would get hit hard, fall, find the strength to rise and lift his/her arms to keep fighting, only to get pummeled all over again. I felt beat up, swollen and bloodied. Most times I feel strong enough to take the hits and strong enough to get right back up  Other times I find myself simply fatigued and wanting a break. But that's not how it works. These are not life events to get over. These are life events to learn how to live with. 

Not only does the mourning involve the loss of my dad and my marriage/family unit, it involves current losses and new ways of life as well. I have lost half of the time with my children. We all know how fast it all goes and now I have been given half of the time in this precious phase of life. I thought the pit in my stomach that arrives every time they depart  would go away. It doesn't and I am learning how to deal with those sourest of lemons.

Let me clarify by use of the term,"sourest of lemons". These are MY hardest aspects of life. My lemons are candy compared to others. My challenges are a cake walk to those who have far worse traumatic experiences. I never ignore that fact and I don't want to compare my trauma to others'.

I have always believed in the idea that you are the only one in control of your life. Really, it's that you are the only one in control of your reactions to life. You are the only one in control of your attitude about life. Life is going to do its thing. I never dreamed this would be my life- this unexpected single life at 40. It is more beautiful and profound and challenging than I imagined. The last couple of years have been filled with lemons, but there have been way more lemon drop martinis (both literally and figuratively).

I would've loved to have clicked my heels for another 38 years, but that's just not how it works. And although there have been lots of lemons in recent years, the lemon drops have never been sweeter.

Sometimes it's hard to find the bright side in our lives because the pain is just too huge. But always, ALWAYS, the pain is overcome by love and light. The sweetness is always easy to find because it is always there. It far outweighs the sour. Even when I want to scream and cry and break things, I allow myself to taste the sour and pucker and hate it for what it is. Then I always end up belly up to the bar of life, or an actual bar, toasting all that is beautiful and tasty.

As I was writing this I got a text from a friend with these wise words...to truly experience happiness, one must learn to not be the victim of circumstance, but rather the receptor of opportunity.

I remain grateful in the core of me.
I remain grateful for, and sometimes hungover from, life's lemon drop martinis.

Bartender, get me another!

Onward. Forward. Upward.

*photo credit- google images

Online Dating- Holy (Insert Curse Word Here)!

I talked a big game when I was married. I encouraged single people my age to get online! I would say, "If I was single at this age I would totally be online. How else are you supposed to meet someone? This is the way to go."

As you read in my FIRST POST, I didn't think I'd be single, so obviously that stuff was easy to say! I am eating my words.

I am currently not online, but I have been and let me tell you....wow. Just wow. I know of many success stories. I know there are lots of good, solid people out there. I know that I have had the experiences I have had for a reason. I am learning so much about myself and what dating is like at this stage of life.

I thought online dating would go something like this:
1. connect online.
2. chat back and forth a bit.
3. meet for something low key.
4. see if there is a connection or not.
5. move forward with or without the person.

I will say that the above situation has happened. The sad part is that is hasn't happened often. I expected 1 or 2 crazy stories, but I have more than that.

My online dating experience has been more something like this:
1. connect online.
2. chat back and forth a bit.
3. exchange numbers.
4. Guy does something gross or sends a crazy picture or says something offensive (all major turn offs)
5. I tell him it looks like we're not a match
6. He reacts in an immature way.
7. I tell my friends and staff table about it.
8. I am a bit baffled at the personalities in the world.
9. I meet up with friends or family instead of having a date and am very happy to do so.
10. Guy contacts me again and acts like nothing happened and asks me out.
11. I decline and repeat step 7.

And sometimes it's just easy and there is no connection and no drama.

Let me start with one of the most extreme experiences I had. And please picture me laughing as I tell this because I laughed when it was actually happening. Part from shock that it was real and part from pure entertainment.

I connected with this guy online.Let's call him "Febreze".  He reached out with a witty and cute message. We chatted a few times and we exchanged numbers. After a few correspondences, I let him know that I was going on a week long family vacation and would be out of touch and that I would contact him when I returned.

He texted once midweek asking how it was going. I saw the message hours later because I was down at the pool. I responded that it was going well and that I would contact him the next week when I got home and settled. I got a text a few days later, "are you home yet?". Again, I didn't see it for hours as I was away from my phone, enjoying vacation.  I repeated my previous message and at this point started to feel annoyed.

I did not rush to text him upon my return. The next week I got a text that said, " I am done chasing one who lacks desire" accompanied by a naked photo of him with only a Febreze bottle covering his parts. This picture was sent to show me what I was missing out on. I wish I could publish it so you could see it, but picture a man's body, who obviously works out and perhaps uses steroids, posing for a picture where he is holding the Febreze in one hand, and giving the thumbs up with the other hand. (This pose meant one of two things. He set up a timer on his phone or someone took it for him. Both, equally bad. Sorry, I digress).

I will not publish the whole text string, but my highlights are included. I normally do not entertain stuff like this and just cut it off, but it was just too good and I was too entertained.

*note- We had never met. He did not know anything about me. Not my last name or place of employment or where I lived.

                                                     

                                                        

                                                       

                                                    

                                                     

He managed to send one more naked photo standing at a side angle, covering up what needs to be covered. These types of photos are my kryptonite. No woman I know wants a photo like that in that type of situation. He wanted me to know all of the reasons I was missing out.

"Febreze" is quite the story. A few weeks later he sent me a winky face text. I asked him if he texted me in error. He said no. He wanted to forgive and forget and take me out for dinner. We had a great dinner together (KIDDING! NO! NEVER! EVER!).

Yes. That is real. And so is this unexpected single life at 40.

More to come.

The Unexpected Single Life (at 40)

I remember, while my marriage was in crisis, being out and saying to my husband, "Please don't make me single and have to deal with guys like that." I was pointing to a greasy, slick yuppy type that made me want to, well, never be single!

My single life was unexpected. I met my husband at the age of 20 and knew ,quickly, I wanted to marry him. We got married 5 years later and divorced 13 years after that. 18 years with the same man (happily).

I never thought I'd be single again. EVER. And here I am. And boy, it is an unwelcome, wild adventure that I am working very hard to embrace. It's essential that I do, because it is my life and I don't want to spend anymore time wishing it was different. 

At first I hated being single. HATED! For so many reasons, big and small,  it just sucked to me. It took encouraging from good friends to "get back out there". I never went through the phase of " Love is cruel, I'll never love again". If you know me, you know that I believe in love more than anything else! No, there was just not one atom in my body that wanted to date. I felt ugly and numb and well, unworthy and I wanted no attention from men. Looking back I realized I didn't want attention for many reasons, the biggest one being that I feared any man would most likely be grossed out by me. Isn't that just nuts? I never felt that before. I always felt fairly confident in myself as human, as a woman. I may not be the most attractive person in the room, but I knew I was fun and could carry a conversation, but not then. I'd never been single as an adult. This was new and I didn't ask for it and I had no confidence.  It was fear- all fear, but I didn't know it at the time.

Then, 8 months after my life fell apart, I very reluctantly went on a date .I threw up 30 minutes before meeting him. Not as much out of nerves as that this made my failed marriage more real. That going on a date meant that I was single. I was no longer married. I was going on a date instead of going home to my family. Totally surreal.

The date was with a man I nicknamed "PTA" because he was so involved in his kids' lives. And for being in the "I'm devastated my marriage is over and now I'm single and never wanted to be and now I'm going on a date and I don't want to be doing this" phase of life, he was the perfect first experience. It was a lovely date. He took me to a taco place in SF. The conversations were easy. We joked. We related to one another. He was kind and gentlemanly. And when I got home I cried myself to sleep.

That was almost a year and a half ago.

 I still don't love dating or even like it, but I no longer hate it. It's not about wanting someone or even wanting a relationship. I know I'm still not ready for any of that. Only recently have I even entertained letting someone really get to know me. Most of the dates I have been on are first dates only. Lots of nice guys and some real crazy stories (future posts).

What's beautiful is that I am not yearning for it. I am just now getting settled in my independence. I am still having a hard time with shared custody. I am seeing where my kids are with all of it. I am learning SO MUCH about myself including what I will and will not stand for. I am appreciating the right now.

Right now I am willing to go on a date. I think that's HUGE compared to where I've been. One thing that never changes is that I always try very hard to recognize and appreciate EXACTLY where I am right now.

Truly, there is nothing I'd rather do on a  Friday night than be with my family. and I have to accept that I will never have that version of my dream again. It's a shitty one to have to accept, but I must.

New dreams are starting to form. They are very different than my old ones. They are without details and are nondescript and involve just being happy and healthy and here. I don't know what that looks like and that's ok. This is new thinking for me.I can't picture the details of my future, but  it's still damn bright up ahead. And it's still damn bright right now in this very moment.

I have told my friends so many stories and they keep saying I need to write them down. The title of this blog was suggested to me by my friend, Joy, as she wants it as the title of my book:)

Cheers to this crazy adventure called life.  Be prepared to be fully entertained by future posts.

The Unexpected Single Life (at 40) is no fucking joke.

note: I am only writing about my own experiences. Nothing I write is to discount anyone who is single, has been single, or will be single. I am very grateful I had the experience of being married and creating  a family. In fact, it was my biggest dream come true. I feel blessed that I had any of it at all. Truly. I never want to sound ungrateful, because I am not. I'm quite the opposite. Now, seriously, get ready to be entertained. 

photo credit to Google images.